About a week or so ago I was driving to town to meet up with some old friends at Cheesecake Factory. The drive was actually really nice along the east side, as it always is. Nothing out of the ordinary. Only thing is as I was rounding Chinaman's Hat I got the signal from my body that I was going to need to take a leak in the next 30 minutes. Well, thirty minutes give or take. I thought to myself, "Well, yeah, I think I can make it to Cheesecake just fine."
I think I was doing fine until my truck started climbing Likelike. Then as I emerged from the tunnel and started descending down towards town, it - the piss pains (which I will refer to the rest of this story) - began. You know when your stomach slash bladder slash crotch region starts getting sharp jolts and your forehead and palms start sweating profusely? Oh yeah, and you also start thinking irrationally.
Instead of just pulling over to the side of the highway to relieve the pain (which I know sounds like the easiest solution to my dilemma in retrospect) I started pressing my gas pedal in hopes that I might make better time to Cheesecake.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
So I've done my fair share of pissing in a bottle while on the road. I don't recall whether I picked up from Lloyd Christmas on Dumb and Dumber or what, but it's just something I'll admit I've done a couple times. It's kind of tricky, but you don't have to be a pro. The only thing I forgot about before this particular attempt on Likelike is that I did it on H3. H3 is a smoother road with a solid slope when you're heading from the tunnel down to Aloha Stadium, whereas Likelike is kind of pot holed and not quite as steep.
This is where it all goes bad.
So I had a full bottle of water in the car. It was one of those $.99 Menehune bottles you get from Foodland. You know, typical kine water bottle and good enough. I unscrewed the bottle cap and poured out all the water onto the highway while driving. I unzipped my shorts, arranged and lined it up with the mouth of the bottle. I then tried to sit up in a standing sort of position to assure that the stream would flow right into the bottle. Then out of the corner of my eye I see TheBus behind me in the right lane
Of course, since TheBus is a lot higher, all the passengers in the left window seats were going to get an X-Rated peep show a la yours truly, so I had to abort mission. I maneuvered through the random cars until the coast was clear. By this point my leg is shaking, I have to piss so bad. Why I didn't just pull over and pee on the side of the road escapes me.
This is where it all really goes bad.
So now I'm paranoid. You know, for some reason when you're driving you feel like everyone is watching your every move. Of course, in reality they aren't. No one cares. Or do they? Such is one's irrational state of mind when they have to pee. Nothing else matters. Nothing is more important. The world is ending.
I set things up for the second attempt while keeping my eyes on all cars in my peripheral. I finally let the first stream into the bottle. Things are good. Life feels better.
This is where it all really-really goes bad.
The bottle is starting to fill up a little too much. The pee is starting to work it's way back up through the mouth of the bottle. Holy crap. I'm panicking. Why am I pissing so much?
I pinch things off. I thought it was a good idea a the time, but the only thing is I still have a lot more pissing to do.
This is where it all seriously just goes bad.
Pinching doesn't work. A stream of piss shoots into the air onto the steering wheel. I actually piss a little bit onto my shorts. I cannot believe this is happening. What's wrong with me? Who am I? Holy ****! I think I said all of that.
I'm baffled. Stupified. Embarrassed.
It's the first time I've ever pissed my pants.
Luckily I have some paper towels in my glove compartment. Not for these sorts of occasions because these sorts of occasions aren't supposed to happen. But I guess now I can say I carry paper towels around in my glove compartment just in case I decide to piss my pants again.
My shorts have a small piss mark, and I'm going to meet up with friends at Cheesecake. I pat down my shorts. It'll take time to dry. I pull out some hand sanitizer and squirt it onto the paper towel to wipe off the piss that hit my steering wheel. Sanitize my hands, too. This is nasty.
Crap. Now the piss pains are back in full effect. They are getting even worse.
I merge onto the H2 to behold a parking lot. FML. Are you serious? What am I supposed to do now? I can't just pull over and take a piss on the side of the highway now.
Life sucks for the next 20 minutes until I exit Kinau. Well, life sucks still but at least there is a shimmer of hope. I head straight for the mall. Then I start getting side-tracked by these pains that stop my brain from functioning normally. Now I think Walmart is my savior.
As I'm approaching Walmart on Kapiolani, I think to myself, "Ev, Walmart is going to be packed, and you're going to have to walk all the way from the back of the parking lot to the bathroom towards the entrance. You won't make it."
I won't make it. The piss pains are killing me. I start actually believing I'm in a dream and that it'll be okay to just let it go.
Come on. You can hold it.
I'm at the light that turns into Pi'ikoi, the street where Walmart is located. I'm bouncing my leg in the truck like I have tourettes. The turn light is taking forever. What's wrong with this light? I look to the corner and see a KFC.
That's the spot. Yes, KFC.
I have to go for it. The light turns green. No one will let me turn left. Why are there so many cars? Jeez. I finally make the turn as the light turns yellow. I look for an entrance. It's an exit lane. One way. Just my luck. I go for it anyways. I don't care. Give me a ticket.
I jet out of my truck. Somehow I remember to lock it. I guess some habits never die. Do this funky jog-walk-robot-boogie that let's me move fast yet holds the pee in to the front of KFC. I whip open the doors, sprint passed the ordering counter to the restroom in the back dining area.
No way. No way. No waaaay. A woman and her son or daughter (I cannot remember) are just closing the door to a unisex restroom. There's only one bathroom in KFC? I hate KFC.
There's no time to waste, though. I got to pee. I got to pee. I exit the KFC and find my next best option, which is the wall in the wide open parking lot. I corner myself as much as I can next to the trash can and release.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh ... this is the longest piss I've ever taken in my life. What did I drink today?
Right from that moment my reason to live and ability to use reasoning returned to me. I could see the world for what it once was. Thank you!
I made my way to Cheesecake. It was a good time.